Crashing and Road Rash: A How To

Step 1: Crash

 - Crash.. Shit

 - Slide for a while....Shit

 - Get Up.....Shit 

 - Scratch That: Before you get up, make sure your limbs are good to go. Compound fractures = A Bad Time. CF=ABT 

 - REAL LIFE EXAMPLE!! PRO TIP!! Tom Zirbel post crash (After seeing a new hole in my hip) "You probably want to check that out". Pros know what's up.

<- A crashed out victim

Step 2: Run Away!

 - After every crash - probably an instinctual maneuver - I tend to hop guard rails, run into the forest, or in this most recent case, into the desert. This assures that the predator, the road, will cause no further harm.

<-- Watch Triathlon videos for a demo! T1 or T2!

Step 3: Yell Shit

 - Congratulate yourself for getting this far. (Pat on the back if an arm works) This means you have avoided severe physical trauma! 

 - After an appropriate distance has been established, it's now okay to yell things that will terrify other competitors or riding partners. Great examples include, 

"Fucking get the fuckin medic, holy shit I'm dying. Help. Jesus. Wow. That fucking road was hard"

"Balls ass, wow. Shit this is bad. Guttural Yell..... Fuck this shit." 

Or better 

"Ahhhgruelsba" 

***If your eye contacts come out during the crash this is also a great time to freak out because you lost your vision***

Step 4: Walk around in shock for a while. 

 - Show people your injuries.

 - Forget where you are.

 - Come to the realization that your body went from being in the best physical shape ever to a bloody mess with three square feet of road rash. 

                 Post Crash Gila (Real Photo!) ---->


Step 5: Ride? 

 - In the end it's a bike race. Ride if you can ride. If you can't, that's okay. It's not like you have to have Tyler Hamilton standards. Maybe something more along the lines of a mid grade sufferer like Wiggins or Mollema. Just know that everyone will call you a wuss behind your back if you don't finish.

                                                      Not Everyone Can be Ten Dam....

Road Rash Wound Care

Step 1: Immediate Care

 - Make sure to wait in a filthy, depressing, and cold hospital waiting room for three or more hours. That way, infection will be allowed to properly infiltrate the site of the wound. Do this all while making new friends in the waiting room. Talk about one of the more horrific moment in your life for a few hours. A great conversation starter!
       
                                       Amount of People in the Emergency Room When I Arrived.

Step 2: Cleaning

 -  Have someone nearby (this doesn't have to be a doctor. The guard in the waiting room will do) begin to clean out your wounds. There's a chance the nurse, doctor, or guard will say "shit that's the bone" before moving to clean elsewhere. Finish cleaning the wounds two hours later whereupon you may or may not utter "Fun" before slipping into a morphine induced nightmare.

                                                                     "Fun Part 1" - WB

Step 3: X-Rays

 - Technician will hit every wall on the way to the destination.
 - Technician will ask you to move the very bones you suspect are broken in positions that are uncomfortable in a normal situation.
 - Technician will continually talk of their dinner plans and their new labradoodle.
 - Feign interest.

Step 4: Wait 

 - This is best done in a hospital bed where the previous nurse forgot to switch off the overhead operating light. Wait as a doctor arrives, immediately proposes surgery, and then walks out. 

 - Wait for surgery.

 - Wait for people to get surgery that are in "line" ahead. 

 - The anesthesiologist says the contents of the stomach can move to the lungs during surgery. Nobody told you not to eat. One must know that they are getting surgery once they crash. That means if you crash. Immediately stop drinking and eating forever. Or else the anesthesiologist may become irrationally angry with you before you are knocked out and cut open. 

Step 4: Get Better

 - Great showers ahead. 

 - Shirts become a part of the body.
 - All your friends are still racing so you have
nothing to do.
                                      This Has Nothing To Do With Anything I'm Talking About (Pain meds?)

Step 6: Thank You Notes
 - The medical field is the closest thing we have to a living god. Be grateful.
 - Be nice. Write a hand written thank you note for saving your fruitin' life.
 - Make sure to include awkward and uncomfortable descriptors like "saintly", "god-like", and "all-powerful". Cap it off with a "love" rather than the diminutive "thanks".



******************************Made with 95% Bullshit********************************