A Quick Update

Holy Wow Jee. Lots has happened since the last post.

Superior Morgul Classic - Race report centered around me because shit, I'm writing it.
 - Report Stages 1-3
I lost.
If I ever win a race expect a novel.

Trainin'
 - Been putting in some big miles this last week in preparation for a busy June/July of racing. Some climbing, flats, and dirt roads. The three necessities for being strong like bull. Big props to the guys over at Fascat. Sometimes I suffer unbelievably. Usually it works out.
 - This amount of training/work also makes it extremely difficult to partake in mentally stimulating activities. I remember reading a Ted King giro blog and was actually annoyed when he missed a post (how dare he). Now I am in awe that he could spare enough motivation to type actual words. Look for a post soon about how to actually do things after a long ride.
 - Check out my strava (shameless plug) if you want to see more.

What I'm Reading
 - Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace
Brick of bricks of a novel. Takes place in the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment (not joking) and is excellent. Also contains footnotes that can be enraging. Recommended only if you have a month or so to hang out in a secluded area with limited distractions. Kind of like trying to read every single issue of The Economist.

 - What's The Matter With Kansas? - Thomas Frank
Interesting if you're into political science and modern day shifts in political polarities. Also interesting if you are liberal and/or super liberal OR want to become prescient of the future U.S. political climate. I'm late in reading this but that's okay.

 - The Racketeer - John Grisham
I thoroughly enjoy the work of John Grisham and I'm not ashamed of that. Nough said. Excellent book as always. Legal conspiracies are the best.

What I'm Listening To
 - Sylvan Esso - Try out the titles Coffee, Play it Right, Hey Mami.
 - What So Not - High You Are (Branchez Remix)
 - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - Let's Get High, Better Days, Man on Fire
 - Serengeti - Anything. Ridiculous stuff.

What I'm Watching
 - Documentaries from the depths of Nobo Corner Library.
 - Cycling youtube vids.

Future Races 
 - Lyons to Boulder TT - June 4th
 - Best on the Hess TT - June 14th
 - Deer Trail RR - June 21st
 - Watch out world.

Pics Or It Didn't Happen 

A real sticky situation on Chapman Drive. That's a road bike. 

North Boulder Park is finally nice enough for my bare feet

Chrvches Concert. Cyclist do fun things sometimes I swear. 

I tried to do my own mechanic work before Gila...

David and Rachel's Graduation Party. Andy and I made Cake. It's a Ribbon. See? 

Cold Brew Coffee or die. Try it out in a smoothie or when you're in a rush in the mornings. Low acidity, great taste. 

Team Dinner at the Rio. Steak Fajitas will make anyone strong like bull. 

I ride through some of the most beautiful mountains in existence all day. I ended up taking a sweet picture of this moth. 

Thanks for checkin' it out.

A Quick Update. New Business.

Update
 - I've started riding again. That will explain the decrease in posts. Conclusion from the two weeks of recovery is that not riding bikes leaves time for other activities. Good news is that I will falling back into the social death loop of racing with Superior Morgul Classic this weekend. This is happening only because the crit turns left and I will be able to avoid falling on my right side. I only have one good day of training since the first day of theTour of Gila. I'm planning on surviving.

                                                  I will not be an ambi-turner this weekend


Most importantly...
 - I would like to introduce everyone to my new informal sector based business Buck's Bicycle Riding Service. The business model is simple and outlined below. Any cyclist in Boulder will tell you it will be financially successful.

Target Demographic
 - Cyclist with a coach.
 - Preferably the same weight as me but I won't be picky.

<-- Nobody likes an angry coach.









How It Works
 - Some days you wake up and say, "awe shucks, I really don't want to ride today". Then, you check out the ol' training plan and realize you have four hours to do that day. Despair quickly sets in. You can just see yourself with no energy remaining somewhere two hours north of town.
 - Thankfully there is a remedy to the situation! All you have to do is email Buck and I will do the ride for you! That's right, simply hobble over your garmin, workout plan, and your pansy ass to my doorstep and I'll take care of the rest.
 - That night you can pick up the Garmin with the fully completed workout ready to go! That means you can be two places at one time. One version of you riding hard in the mountains and the other version day drinking on Pearl Street. I would pay for that.
 - Then you can upload that file to your coach and he will say, "good job, great work, e-pat on the back". It's gonna be great.
 - I'll even give you a detailed account of how good I felt that day and why I am better than you.

                                                      A few clients from the weekend

How I get Money/Paid - Option A
 - This option is for those that can ride their bikes but choose not to. I really have no respect for that so I'm going to charge you extra money. Your ability to "actually" ride that day will be judged on my doorstep.
 - $20/hr of riding.
 - Again, what little respect I have of you will diminish to nothing. For sure I'll take your money though.

Option B
 - Sometimes people really cannot ride their bikes that day because of time/injury. Sometimes they cannot bear witnessing the face of disappointment on a hardworking coach. It's a pickle that we have all found ourselves in.
 - The answer is simple. Just lie (always the best option) and give me your training measurement tool for the day. I'll do any ride for you up to three hours. After that I will be charging time and one half.
 - 15/hr of riding.

I'll make it rain

Rules and Regulations
 - If I feel like your workout is too hard I'm not going to do it.
 - No Pros.
 - I reserve the right to become tired and go home mid workout.
 - You will also have my day's workout on your Garmin. Just think of it as extra credit.

Contact Info
 - Bicycleriderbuck236@gmal.com
 - @Buckrider
 - 303-Fun-Ride


****This is not a real service. If you drop your Garmin off to my house I will keep it****

Gastro-Economics - Free/Cheap Food Tips

Rabbit

Gastro-Economics - A bullshit word I came up with. How to feed oneself on a budget. Good luck.

A little Intro
 - Sometimes I don't work a lot because I'm too busy riding my bike. This can really put me in a pickle (HA!) . However, not all food requires dollar bills. Free meals = money for cycling. Thankfully I have never truly been hungry nor experienced difficulty feeding myself.

Foraging Techniques
 - Vegetables are an expensive yet necessary commodity. Grow them (A tiring and long term project. I mean, can you imagine gardening after a bike ride? Absolutely not.) or check out the local grocery store dumpsters. Good sources tell me that one can find more than enough behind any local grocery store. Check out Fregans and other groups. Just give those carrots (There still in the bag anyway) a good cleanup and it'll be fine.
 - Natural Grocers has a $2.00 bag program. Ask the produce guy and he'll help you out. Usually lots of good organic produce for super cheap. You have to eat the whole bag in one day but whatever, that has not proven to be an issue.
***I don't forage for food in dumpsters****
***Well not all the time***
***Maybe once***
***It's illegal so don't get caught***

Best to Look at Raccoon Vids For a How To

Borrow Food Items/Taste
 - Sometimes it's okay to borrow food.
 - Example:                  Me "Hey can I borrow some bread"
Unsuspecting bread victim "Alright"
                                     Me "Duck yeah!"
 - Or, if somebody is cooking up a sweet meal you can just taste it. Try this line, "Hey let me get some of that". Assertive yet respectful. And while a sample is not calorically substantial those nibbles really add up! Just think, a fifty calorie taste here or there and in four weeks you've eaten an entire meal!

Great Example of Me Borrowing Some Nourishment

Condiments 
 - Don't pay for ketchup. Ever.
 - Just say no.
 - Seriously.

If Somebody Offers Food..
 - The answer is "yes". Society says to be polite. Be a cyclist and take that shit. Don't feel bad. They are the foolish ones for offering a cyclist food. Seriously, if you just wanted to be nice you shouldn't have offered.
 - However, there will be pressure to share in the future. You have one week to repay the favor. A great solution is to take someone on a hard mountainous ride, wait until they are on the verge of bonking, and then offer them that half eaten cliff bar that's been inside a ziplock for two weeks. After they eat the cliff bar they might even say, "damn, thanks, I owe you". Sucker.

Respect

CU Boulder
 - All you have to do is show up to a  E-Center, CUCycling, or CU Triathlon meeting (Really any club works) and you will leave with AT LEAST a singular piece of pizza. When I was a student it was painfully obvious who was there just for food. However, nobody cared. Just make sure everybody else gets a slice first.  Check out colorado.edu/events for more info.
  *Also a great time to meet people and put on disguises* #Mustaches

Google Images Has Everything I Need. Everything.

Bulk Samples
 - This is obvious so don't be obvious. Sample a snack (Australian red licorice is a good choice) and  chew it up really well. A contemplative and serious face is crucial. Then walk around the store for a while and grab some stuff.
 - Return to the bulk foods and then sample some more food. Put on the contemplative face and make it look like you give a shit.
 - Once again go around and grab some food. Even some bulk food!
- Three is a stretch but just say "fuck it" and really go for it. I recommend some jelly beans as a last hoorah.
 - Snack on the jelly beans in line for the cashier.
*After working at a grocery store I can tell you that only the managers give any shits. That means it's okay as long as a manager isn't watching. *
IMPORTANT *At a grocery store the bigger of a pain in the ass you are the more special treatment you will receive*

Farmers Market

Eating With Older People 
 - Be nice to older people. Not because it's the good thing to do but rather because you will run into them someday on Pearl Street. Maybe, just maybe, they'll say, "Hey, want to grab lunch?" and you respond (see previous point). Before you know it you have a free meal. Job well done.

Old People LOVE Milk.

The "I've never tried that before" 
- Caution. Only to be used in dire circumstances.
Example:                    Me, "Oh wow! Is that a banana?! I've never had one of those."
                         Some guy "You've never had a banana?! Here, have one of mine.
Me while scarfing banana "Wow that's good! Thanks"
 - This usually works. Just use it in moderation as eventually "some guy" will catch on to your tactics.

Trading in commodities/food strengths.
 Example:  One time I came into 300 mini bags of goldfish (not joking). You can trade that for all sorts of food/favors. Who will say no to 50 bags of goldfish?
 - Currently I can trade coffee (It's my main export) for food. Find your strength and then exploit other food groups.

Quick Update

Share Food
 - Lastly, it's necessary to share food in order to receive food. Giving somebody sustenance, especially in a moment of need, will be payed back double or triple in the future. Just be nice and food will come your way. I swear by it.

Crashing and Road Rash: A How To

Step 1: Crash

 - Crash.. Shit

 - Slide for a while....Shit

 - Get Up.....Shit 

 - Scratch That: Before you get up, make sure your limbs are good to go. Compound fractures = A Bad Time. CF=ABT 

 - REAL LIFE EXAMPLE!! PRO TIP!! Tom Zirbel post crash (After seeing a new hole in my hip) "You probably want to check that out". Pros know what's up.

<- A crashed out victim

Step 2: Run Away!

 - After every crash - probably an instinctual maneuver - I tend to hop guard rails, run into the forest, or in this most recent case, into the desert. This assures that the predator, the road, will cause no further harm.

<-- Watch Triathlon videos for a demo! T1 or T2!

Step 3: Yell Shit

 - Congratulate yourself for getting this far. (Pat on the back if an arm works) This means you have avoided severe physical trauma! 

 - After an appropriate distance has been established, it's now okay to yell things that will terrify other competitors or riding partners. Great examples include, 

"Fucking get the fuckin medic, holy shit I'm dying. Help. Jesus. Wow. That fucking road was hard"

"Balls ass, wow. Shit this is bad. Guttural Yell..... Fuck this shit." 

Or better 

"Ahhhgruelsba" 

***If your eye contacts come out during the crash this is also a great time to freak out because you lost your vision***

Step 4: Walk around in shock for a while. 

 - Show people your injuries.

 - Forget where you are.

 - Come to the realization that your body went from being in the best physical shape ever to a bloody mess with three square feet of road rash. 

                 Post Crash Gila (Real Photo!) ---->


Step 5: Ride? 

 - In the end it's a bike race. Ride if you can ride. If you can't, that's okay. It's not like you have to have Tyler Hamilton standards. Maybe something more along the lines of a mid grade sufferer like Wiggins or Mollema. Just know that everyone will call you a wuss behind your back if you don't finish.

                                                      Not Everyone Can be Ten Dam....

Road Rash Wound Care

Step 1: Immediate Care

 - Make sure to wait in a filthy, depressing, and cold hospital waiting room for three or more hours. That way, infection will be allowed to properly infiltrate the site of the wound. Do this all while making new friends in the waiting room. Talk about one of the more horrific moment in your life for a few hours. A great conversation starter!
       
                                       Amount of People in the Emergency Room When I Arrived.

Step 2: Cleaning

 -  Have someone nearby (this doesn't have to be a doctor. The guard in the waiting room will do) begin to clean out your wounds. There's a chance the nurse, doctor, or guard will say "shit that's the bone" before moving to clean elsewhere. Finish cleaning the wounds two hours later whereupon you may or may not utter "Fun" before slipping into a morphine induced nightmare.

                                                                     "Fun Part 1" - WB

Step 3: X-Rays

 - Technician will hit every wall on the way to the destination.
 - Technician will ask you to move the very bones you suspect are broken in positions that are uncomfortable in a normal situation.
 - Technician will continually talk of their dinner plans and their new labradoodle.
 - Feign interest.

Step 4: Wait 

 - This is best done in a hospital bed where the previous nurse forgot to switch off the overhead operating light. Wait as a doctor arrives, immediately proposes surgery, and then walks out. 

 - Wait for surgery.

 - Wait for people to get surgery that are in "line" ahead. 

 - The anesthesiologist says the contents of the stomach can move to the lungs during surgery. Nobody told you not to eat. One must know that they are getting surgery once they crash. That means if you crash. Immediately stop drinking and eating forever. Or else the anesthesiologist may become irrationally angry with you before you are knocked out and cut open. 

Step 4: Get Better

 - Great showers ahead. 

 - Shirts become a part of the body.
 - All your friends are still racing so you have
nothing to do.
                                      This Has Nothing To Do With Anything I'm Talking About (Pain meds?)

Step 6: Thank You Notes
 - The medical field is the closest thing we have to a living god. Be grateful.
 - Be nice. Write a hand written thank you note for saving your fruitin' life.
 - Make sure to include awkward and uncomfortable descriptors like "saintly", "god-like", and "all-powerful". Cap it off with a "love" rather than the diminutive "thanks".



******************************Made with 95% Bullshit********************************

A Day in the Tour of the Gila.

Setting

- Hospital Operating Room, Silver City New Mexico. Cortlan Brown (Astellas) wheeled in from Surgery. I'm next in line.

Time 

 - 1:00 A.M Thursday, May 1.

The Conversation

"Will! Man, they'll treat you reaaal nice, trust me, great people in there" 

"Wow, I am just, Wow, just great people in there"

Long Pause... 

To nurse, "Don't let him fool you, he's a tall one! Just wait until he stands up!"

Long Pause. 

"Just took a Sponsor correct Selfie. Operating room style."

Answers phone.

"Dude.... come in now. I'm the drunkest mormon you will ever meet"

With that I was wheeled in. Possibly the oddest circumstance of making a new friend I have experienced. Good news is that Cortlan and I are healing up fine from our injuries. 

How we got there. A Worse Case scenario. 

 - 45-50mph 

 - Group shoulder to shoulder on two lane road

 - Chip Sealed Road

 - Nervous Group. 

Some guy fell, other guys fell, then more fell, I fell and got up into an environment of a relatively tame war zone. 

 - Broken collarbones.

 - Multiple people screaming "medic"

 - Finger bones showing. 

 - Calls for a helicopter. 

 - People walking around in obvious shock. 

I thought I was fine until I looked down at my hip. I saw a deep gash (photos available via text if you're into that kind of stuff) and knew I was done. 

A 1.5 hour drive, 4 hour emergency room wait, 2 hour wound cleaning, 2 hour wait on whether surgery was necessary, 2 hour wait for surgery, 1 hour surgery, and a drive home from Shawn at 4:00a.m. and I had one new friend and holes sewn shut on my elbow and hip. FUN TIMES!!

Thanks -When hospitalized you end of saying thanks to many people. 

Everyone that helped at the hospital - Thank You notes already sent. (NOTE: never fuck with people that serve you food or take care of you in a hospital.)

Shawn Milne: Stayed with me at the hospital until 10:00p.m., picked me up at 4:00a.m., DS'd the next day at 8:30a.m., drove me to El Paso airport at 3:30p.m., Questioned his decision to D.S. this year all the way back to Silver City. 

Trevor Connor - Organized a flight home from the race. Picked me up at the airport at 12:45. Set me up with a follow up doctor. 

Alex Raicer - Cleaned out my wounds between the crash and the hospital. Consoled me, made a horrible situation markedly better. 

End 

Gila was definitely a disappointment. It's shit to crash like that but it could have been much worse. Hoping I'll be ready to go for Superior Morgul Classic.  

What You'll Find in the Blog/Mission Statement

Profanity
 - Because I use it in real life. I lack a properly raised vocabulary.

Correct Grammar
 - I went to school

Race Reports
 - Everyone and their mother has a race report these days. Just some quick reviews about what's going on.
- How not to race the NRC

Book Reviews
 - What I'm reading. Recommendations. Some write-ups.

Graphs
 - I fucking love graphs

Sarcasm
 - Because life is too real to take seriously.

How to be the Best Mechanic
 - In a bad way.

Traveling
 - It's fun.

- W Buck